Best Christmas Present EVER!

Miraculous Photo

I found this photo on WebMD...isn't it miraculous! This is a baby in utero at 36 weeks. This is a view of what our son looks like all smooshed up right now!

Finally a day out into the sunny fall

Now that I am no longer on bedrest I finally got to enjoy the last sunny fall day before a week of rain! It has been torture not getting out to take pictures of the gorgeous colors of this fabulous season. The big girls had the day off school so we went to the park after picking up Caitlin from school.

Annual Pumpkin Carving with Uncle Nick & Uncle Dan & their fabulous family!

For the 2nd year in a row we joined my brothers and their wonderful family for the annual pumpkin carving celebration in Ridgefield, WA. What fun we always have!

Can you guess what side of my belly baby is on?

Going home....

The jury is out...

Its time to go home.

At the ripe ole gestation of 33 weeks the Dr's have decided to send me home content that I have made it to 33 weeks and my cervix remains unchanged at 1 cm dilated.

I however am not so confident....

To be honest I am nervous terrified and yet completely trust in the Lord all at the same time.

The thought of my baby boy being in the NICU scares me because of how difficult it is. The thought of being home with my children makes me nervous for 2 reasons. #1- I cant be the mom I know they are going to want me to be while I am home, and #2 Its very hard to remain calm and restful in a house full of young active girlies that like to play noisy! And there is always my sweet darling Caitlin who runs me ragged when Im not pregnant!

However, because of all the calm and quiet I have had with the Lord this week He has been able to teach me quite a bit and reveal to me the areas of my heart that need His hands.

Yesterday I posted a quote on FB from a Matt Chandler sermon I listened to in the morning.

‎"Fear in the life of a believer should be hunted down and killed without mercy."

It struck me that I was living this whole week in fear....fear that my son would come far earlier that his sisters, fear that going home would cause labor, fear of being around my kids and not being able to meet their needs, fear of the chaos at home with Mitchell gone so much.

Fear....fear....fear....fear.....FEAR!

Then my dear friend Jodi Hughes came to visit me yesterday and poured out an abundance of godly wisdom as she does so well. Jodi has a gift of being able to ask just the right questions to really make you look deeper inside yourself to the root of any issue. She doesnt "TELL" you how to fix it but instead askd the questions that turn your attention to Jesus and how to see what HE wants me to do. Yesterday she asked me what the ROOT of my fear was.

Ummm.....well......I......I then stated my fears and she stopped me forcing me to see the real heart of the issue...

I was taking my past experiences and projecting them into the future. In my mind because I have been through the pain and difficulty of raising a newborn in the NICU it of course would happen again and be just as hard.

BUT...

Thats not trusting God. Instead of trusting God and His plan and that his plan COULD be for me to stay pregnant longer that ever before, I was assuming He didnt want to and probably wouldn't. I was begging and pleading with God for a miracle I really didnt think He would give me. My prayer all week has been "I believe Lord, but help my unbelief!" If I am perfectly honest I have every ounce of faith the God CAN get me safely to 36 weeks, I KNOW He can. The problem is I dont really believe that He will. Its the not knowing that makes this all so difficult....He really hasn't told me one way or the other so I cannot confidently say "He WILL"

The other tid bit I have been struggling with is the lie that I have to be "Okay" with it if my son IS born early and we have to suffer hardship. But as hard as I tried and prayed I simply cannot say "Lord, if thats your plan I am okay with it."

In society, especially Christian society we have this tendency to add silver lining to everything to make it seem easier or better than it is. For instance when I was admitted at 32 weeks with the possibility of labor the Dr was FULL of silver lining and "it could be worse" instances. These can me helpful sometimes to help us have gratitude towards the Lord and His working BUT it can also be a bad thing. We need to mourn and grieve when things are hard and painful. We need to go before the throne and say "LORD, this hurts and I dont like it!" Then give Him our burdens and let Him bear them for us. Putting on a happy face and "bucking up" is just pride adn attempting to get ourselves through hardships.

Through the Holy Spirit Jodi spoke comforting words from Jesus to me that freed me from my struggle, she simply said...

"You dont have to be "okay" with it when things are hard and painful. Jesus wasn't okay with going to the cross. Jesus ENDURED the cross for the joy that would come from it."

No matter how hard I tried i could not force myself to say "Lord if you call me to this difficulty I will be okay with it because its Your plan." And I was so relieved to hear that I didnt have to.

But I did have to faithfully ENDURE whatever He sets before me in the pregnancy, and rejoice in the Lord that He is a faithful creator who will redeem any and all hard and painful situations I will go through.

So if my son is born too early, it WILL be hard and it will be difficult and I wont be happy about it BUT I will continue to rejoice in the Lord and ENDURE the hardship, trusting Him every moment to carry me through it. I will praise Him and give Him all glory. And when the hardship is over I will forever remember His faithfulness and take comfort in knowing there will never be a difficult time without Jesus by my side to carry me through.

And that my friends is the peace of knowing, loving, and serving Jesus.

Because my son will be a stylin' dude

GAP baby had thee cutest line of boys clothing this year called "Union Jack" and I absolutely LOVED their stuff...however...being the frugal mama I am I couldnt justify buying any of it even at their sale prices. That was until the items went on clearance AND they sent me a 40% coupon in my email making these ADORABLE things at least 75% or more! I am still out to track down the hooded one piece with the British flag on it (see below) because they were out online but what I did get for rediculously cheap I am SUPER EXCITED to get in the mail in a week or so! Many people dont know but I was born in Brackley, England so I am partial to British things. =) And yes I know its a tad bit odd to be blogging about my sons new clothing but hey....Im in the the hospital what else is there for me to do!

Mitchell Maddox Lewis already has some style.....

(This one piece is the outfit I DESPERATELY want but they are out online)

The song in my heart this morning...

"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"

1. Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise His Name I'm fixed upon it
Name of God's redeeming love.

2. Hither to thy love has blessed me
Thou has brought me to this place
And I know thy hand will bring me
Safely home by thy good grace
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Bought me with His precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.

My sweet visitors!

I can't tell you how wonderful it was for daddy to bring the girls up to see me on Sunday!

"..help my unbelief..."

Yesterday we hit a turning point in my pregnancy...one I feared was coming a bit sooner than later. I was hardly contracting at all yesterday and managed to stay off my feet all mornign and afternoon thanks to my wonderful mama who came to help me while Mitchell was gone. Around 1:30 we all laid down to take some much needed naps and I was rudely awakened at 4pm with strong painful contractions. I got up, filled my water bottle, parked it in my glider with my feet up, and began keeping careful track of my contractions with my handy app on my phone. I sat immobilized in my glider for 3 hours with contractions consistently 2-4 minutes apart before finally giving up and calling labor and delivery (L&D) up at OHSU. Praise God for my wonderful parents and the fact they live upstairs so we were able to send the kids up to their house for the evening.

Mitchell and I arrived at 8:30 pm and I was immediately put on the monitors. within 30 minutes the Dr came in and checked me to see where my cervix was at and if there was any change from my last exam Wednesday. She reported I was closed but she wasnt very confident in the exam and wanted to monitor me for a bit then check again to make sure it wasnt labor. By 10:30 we got the bad news that I was 1cm dilated and my cervix was shorter, about 2cm's (down .8cm from just a few days before) The Dr ordered the steroid shots for the babies lungs and gave me Nifedipine to try and stop the contractions. They are very leary of giving me Nifedipine because it lowers your blood pressure and I already have lower than normal blood pressure but it is safe in a controlled setting. The steroids however are PAINFUL, oh heavens do they hurt! Mitchell went home at 11pm so he could try and get some sleep to take care of the girlys the next morning. The best I can describe the shot (which is in your thigh ir rear i opted for thigh) is like getting the worst dead leg from hell which takes a few hours to recover from and disables your leg for at least an hour. What no one took into consideration was that they were in face giving me steroids at 11pm which kept me awake until 5am when my contractions FINALLY slowed down enough for me to sleep for an hour. Its a good thing Mitchell went home =)

At 6 am I was rechecked and so very grateful to hear I was still 1cm but I also thinned out through the night and am 70% effaced (meaning only 30% of my length is left) The Perinatologists came around at 8:30am and gave me the run down of the plan so far. Because of where I am at now and my history I am at risk to go into labor at any time. A 32-33 week baby would probably spend at least a month or more in the NICU. This would suck terribly. So the plan they concocted is to keep me on the monitors and give me the 2nd round of steroids tonight (hopefully this one comes with sleep meds) and Lord willing if my contractions stay very few and far between I will be moved up to Mom & Baby where I will spend the week possibly more. They dont want to send me home before I hit 34 weeks which is Oct 27th. At least in mom and baby I will get lots more sleep in an ACTUAL bed not an oversized mat...and I will be off my feet at all times to really keep me from contracting.

Now the hard part which Mitchell and I will spend today figuring out....what to do with our kids! Mitchell starts with a different construction company tomorrow because D&T finally ran out of work. This is both a blessing and a tough thing because he will now be working 10-12 hour days Monday through Saturday. I am really praying the Lord will bring everything together because all 3 girls have different school schedules and my mom as amazing and abundantly helpful as she is, she also works full time herself. I am grateful the director of Caitlins school is so beyond amazing and has already offered to let her come everyday if needed at no extra charge to us. (God is GOOD) Mikayla however gets our of Kindergarten at 11:15 everyday which is less easy. We have also been abundantly blessed by some of our church family that have set up a care calender for our family and we are mostly in need of meals because I do all the cooking for my family. I know God will use this difficult opportunity to show us how He works all things together for good!

I have to be honest, I had a melt down last night and in doing so God revealed the true nature of my heart. When we faced the possibility of labor and delivering a 32 week baby I broke down. I had been so confident, so sure God would give us the miracle of a term baby that we could take home for the first time ever. As I felt that dream being torn apart I became angry at God who although owes me nothing had somehow not met my expectations. But I was blessed with quiet and solitude this morning and it was in that time He gently reminded me to believe and convicted my heart. I have been trying to be in control of this entire pregnancy and its outcome. I thought "If I get the progesterone shots for 20 weeks and make my kids behave and take it easy and be stress free and just DECIDE I WILL make it 36 weeks then I will have it!" But as life works my kids have been acting out which stresses me out to no end and here I am with no more control then when this baby was formed by His hands in my womb 8 months ago. Its a hard sobering reality and yet a relief and freeing reality. So I did what I had fought so hard against the past few weeks and I SURRENDERED.

"All the thee my blessed Savior...I surrender all."

That was the hymn in my heart this morning. Jesus led me to Mark 9:23-24

23 And Jesus said to him, p“‘If you can’! qAll things are possible for one who believes.” 24 Immediately the father of the child cried out1 and said, “I believe; rhelp my unbelief!”

That was my prayer....my desperate cry to my Lord...."I DO believe Jesus, help my unbelief!" All week verses ran through my head and they just seemed so lifeless...so cliche....but this verse....this was my hearts deepest cry.

Will you join me in prayer this week?

• Pray for Mitchells transition into the new (old) company where he will be working 50% more than before and will face both his and my duties at home once he is off. Pray for strength and an abundance of grace and patience for him. Pray he will be surrounded by godly encouragement when he needs it most and that the work of his hands will be blessed.
• Pray for our girls and the adjustment they face with 1+ weeks without mom. Especially please pray for Caitlin who does not react well to change and is very close with me. Pray she will not act out and that Jesus will comfort her and be her peace over the naturak rebellion she normally falls to.
• Pray for my mom who will be helping Mitchell and is not used to more than one child especially not when she first gets off work. Pray for a smooth work week and a ton of endurance as she loves on the girls while I am away.
• Pray for all the elements of our family dinamic to fall smoothly into place while I am gone and God will provide everything my family needs as He so faithfully does time and again.
• Pray that God will quiet my uterus for 3 1/2 more weeks or until Baby Mitchell is ready to be born healthy enough to join his family at home without a NICU stay. That God rapidly forms his tiny lungs and miraculously gives him the ability to thrive at whatever gestation he arrives at.
• And lastly if you can please pray for me...while I will be getting lots of quiet resting and time alone it is incredibly hard after a short while to be away from my husband and kids this long. All I am is in my family and my God given purpose is to love and care for them. It is not easy being unable to fulfill my purpose and it does in fact get very lonely up here. Would you please pray that I would be able to use this time to reconnect on a deeper level with my Savior? That the quiet and the stillness would be to hear His voice and be renewed day by day so I will be ready to take on the blessed responsibility of 4 amazing children when I return home. I have been spiritually dry and emotionally exhausted the past few weeks so I am hoping to use this time as a retreat of sorts with Jesus.

Thank you everyone who will be joining us in these prayers, let us not forget how powerful these prayers are! All glory and honor to God and the Lord Jesus Christ the author and perfector of our faith!

Reminders...

Mikayla-January 2006

Caitlin-May 2008

This reminder is just so heavy on my heart today....maybe Im just hormonal and emotional but these images haunt me as I fight to stay pregnant a few more weeks. Nothing in the world can prepare you to have a newborn in the NICU for any period of time. Something in your heart hurts deep watching your baby through a plexiglass box and being told when you are allowed to hold your baby, sometimes not for days after they are born because of all the tubes coming out of her tiny little face.

My heart cries to the Lord today...begs even....to just have one....just one baby to take home and know what it feels like to be the one who cares for your baby. I have endured 16 weeks of progesterone shots as incredibly painful as they are because I am so desperate for this reality. Oh to even know what it feels like to simply be able to nurse my baby...this is not my public pity party but a real desperation for a chance at normalcy. I want to bond with my son alone from the moment he is born instead of having him taken away from me the moment he enters the world. You grow and care for this tiny person for months and go through the pain and difficulty of labor only to have your baby whisked away and cared for by others who will dictate their life for weeks as you sit by helplessly. This is made even harder when you have to juggle kids at home. I cant be away from my baby but doing so pulls me away from my other children. Im sorry but its just not fair!

Now I am torn between trying to rest and trying to raise a family and my desperation for a term baby drives me to resentment for my current duties. I know it shouldnt and I know I need an attitude adjustment (which the Lord is currently working out in me) but I honestly just want to crawl into bed and stay there for the next 4 weeks only to emerge when I am ready to birth a healthy baby I can bring home. But thats not realistic, only by Gods grace and strength will I get through the chaos of the next few weeks.

So I PRAY

and I BEG

and I PLEAD

with Jesus...

please

let

me

have

this

ONE

Baby Mitchell...31 weeks 6 days

Today was my OB appt and very last Ultrasound to measure our sweet boy. I was very nervous because my contractions have been so strong the past few days and I havent been feeling well. I was so grateful though to have Mitchell by my side today since work is slow he had the day off and got to see his son on ultrasound for the first time!

GOOD NEWS: I am not dilated....

AND baby Mitchell is in the 58th percentile for size and is growing great!

NOT SO GOOD NEWS: My cervix is short and soft and because of the severity of my contractions and they are painful I am at risk for labor at any time. So now between the risk of pre-term labor and the contractions themselves I am rendered basically useless....which is near impossible with 3 kids at home. I go back next Wednesday to get checked again and if there is any change I will most likely be staying in the hospital to keep pregnant as long as possible.

please pray.....

• Pray we will miraculously stay pregnant for 4 more weeks and for the 1st time ever make it to 36 weeks
• 
  
• Pray I will be able to get rest and the kids will MIRACULOUSLY allow me to rest without taking advantage of my inability to do much (like they have been)
• 
  
• Pray for me because I am feeling terribly discouraged and desperately wanting a safe healthy boy

**At the beginning of the ultrasound we had a great profile and Baby Mitchell was completely cooperative, however after they checked my length and decided to see 3d for fun he got those darned hands covering his face again! This boy ALWAYS has something covering his face! Hands, feet, the cord.....he is one shy guy!

But ridiculously adorable at the same time!

This one looks like he is blowing mama kisses <3

A Name for our boy!

Baby boy Lewis

FINALLY

has

a

NAME!

"Mitchell Maddox Lewis"

First trip to Labor & Delivery...

Well folks we made it to 29 weeks before we had to go up to Labor & Deliver and that in itself is a miracle. I spent the entire day Friday having contractions 2-3 minutes apart. After drinking a ton of water, trying to nap for 2 hours, and basically sitting and doing nothing all day long, I finally gave up and Mitchell drove me up to OHSU when he got off work. They put me in a tiny triage room and began monitoring baby and my contractions. Baby was happy & healthy & praise God I wasnt dilated but they didnt do an ultrasound to measure my cervix to see if it was shorter. They did a FFN (aka Fetal Fibernectin Test) which tests the proteins to see if there is a chance of me going into labor in the next 1-2 weeks. Its a hard test to understand because its only helpful if its negative but mine did come back negative so they released me around 11:30 at night after unsucessfully stopping my contractions. I see my OB and have an ultrasound on Wednesday and am praying Im not dilated then either.

This week marks my 30 week mark when things start getting really hard and I cant do much if I want to stay pregnant until at LEAST 35 weeks. From now on I have to pack a bag when I go to my OB appts because at any point in time I may not be able to leave the hospital, and will be on forced bedrest there. I am nervous for my appt this week since I have been contracting all day long for 3 days now without ceasing. Its not easy "resting" with 3 little girlies to care for but I am trying my hardest.

Keep praying!

Baby Boy 27 weeks 6 days

Well folks a day away from 28 weeks and not a single visit to Labor & Deliver is nothing short of a MIRACLE! I am contracting, sometimes VERY strongly but not consistently so it seems the awful weekly progesterone shots are doing something. I go in every 2 weeks for an OB visit and they measure the length of my cervix and make sure I am not dilated. Its pretty awesome because I get to visually SEE our little boy every 2 weeks! Once a month they do a full on ultrasound with measurements like at 18 wks so we get to see our boy in 2d & 3D! Today was a big appt since we had the ultrasound, the glucose test complete with lovely blood draw (YUCK), AND I got my friendly progesterone shot in my back so I am wiped OUT!

At my appt a month ago (23wks 6dy) my cervix measured 4.08 centimeters and was closed...

2 weeks ago (25 wks 6dy) my cervix measured 3.68 centimeters and was still closed....

Today it measured 3.01 centimeters and thank Jesus was still closed.

My OB Dr. Wyatt, says she isnt worried yet since since I measure over 3 cm and am not dilated. I love my OB and she has been my OB for Mikayla, Caitlin, and now Baby Boy. While we celebrated length and a closed cervix we also both know I am headed in the same direction as my last 2 pregnancies. Slowly my cervix thins and eventually opens putting me on hospitalized bed rest to get to 34 weeks. We are praying this doesnt happen! At least not TOO soon anyway! If I get shorter than 3 centimeters modified bed rest is the next step which I hate because I am a busy momma!

So, we would LOVE if you could please be praying this process slows down a bit.

GOOD NEWS: We have ourselves a BIG boy! So far our little man is in the 61% for size and is consistently measuring a week and 3 days over his actual gestation! We are very grateful he is growing strong in there. He is a pretty funny guy who strangely prefers to sleep breach with his feet in front of his face. =) As you can see from the pictures it almost looks like he has a foot growing out of his forehead!

Before my OB came into the room a "Fellowship" Dr which is like a Dr in training I believe came in a talked with me about everything. She also brought up sterilization.. (because no one in the world values large families anymore geesh)...anyways she was adamant about me signing paperwork saying they would automatically tie my tubes if I had an emergency C-section (which would never happen) but she honestly made me very uncomfortable. She spoke very fast and was way too pushy about the whole thing wanting to me sign the paperwork ASAP. I just dont trust Dr's that talk faster than you can comprehend then INSIST you sign anything right now. I was very relieved when she left and I could comfortably speak with my OB. I realize we have 4 children...well almost....and as of right now neither of us wants more...and that 4 is a huge number of kids these days but I am 26 years old and not all together comfortable with the idea of permanent sterilization to begin with so this whole thing made me very uneasy...

Today Jesus gave me a miracle

He let me see what my beautiful boy ACTUALLY looks like! Technology is amazing and I really needed this blessing today! Thank you Jesus!

23 weeks 6 days

Here is his round little face with the umbilical cord across it

LOOK at his BEAUTIFUL little face!

Here is is with his entire leg in front of him, looks like he is eating his foot!

He has his daddys nose just like his sisters!