"..help my unbelief..."

Yesterday we hit a turning point in my pregnancy...one I feared was coming a bit sooner than later. I was hardly contracting at all yesterday and managed to stay off my feet all mornign and afternoon thanks to my wonderful mama who came to help me while Mitchell was gone. Around 1:30 we all laid down to take some much needed naps and I was rudely awakened at 4pm with strong painful contractions. I got up, filled my water bottle, parked it in my glider with my feet up, and began keeping careful track of my contractions with my handy app on my phone. I sat immobilized in my glider for 3 hours with contractions consistently 2-4 minutes apart before finally giving up and calling labor and delivery (L&D) up at OHSU. Praise God for my wonderful parents and the fact they live upstairs so we were able to send the kids up to their house for the evening.

Mitchell and I arrived at 8:30 pm and I was immediately put on the monitors. within 30 minutes the Dr came in and checked me to see where my cervix was at and if there was any change from my last exam Wednesday. She reported I was closed but she wasnt very confident in the exam and wanted to monitor me for a bit then check again to make sure it wasnt labor. By 10:30 we got the bad news that I was 1cm dilated and my cervix was shorter, about 2cm's (down .8cm from just a few days before) The Dr ordered the steroid shots for the babies lungs and gave me Nifedipine to try and stop the contractions. They are very leary of giving me Nifedipine because it lowers your blood pressure and I already have lower than normal blood pressure but it is safe in a controlled setting. The steroids however are PAINFUL, oh heavens do they hurt! Mitchell went home at 11pm so he could try and get some sleep to take care of the girlys the next morning. The best I can describe the shot (which is in your thigh ir rear i opted for thigh) is like getting the worst dead leg from hell which takes a few hours to recover from and disables your leg for at least an hour. What no one took into consideration was that they were in face giving me steroids at 11pm which kept me awake until 5am when my contractions FINALLY slowed down enough for me to sleep for an hour. Its a good thing Mitchell went home =)

At 6 am I was rechecked and so very grateful to hear I was still 1cm but I also thinned out through the night and am 70% effaced (meaning only 30% of my length is left) The Perinatologists came around at 8:30am and gave me the run down of the plan so far. Because of where I am at now and my history I am at risk to go into labor at any time. A 32-33 week baby would probably spend at least a month or more in the NICU. This would suck terribly. So the plan they concocted is to keep me on the monitors and give me the 2nd round of steroids tonight (hopefully this one comes with sleep meds) and Lord willing if my contractions stay very few and far between I will be moved up to Mom & Baby where I will spend the week possibly more. They dont want to send me home before I hit 34 weeks which is Oct 27th. At least in mom and baby I will get lots more sleep in an ACTUAL bed not an oversized mat...and I will be off my feet at all times to really keep me from contracting.

Now the hard part which Mitchell and I will spend today figuring out....what to do with our kids! Mitchell starts with a different construction company tomorrow because D&T finally ran out of work. This is both a blessing and a tough thing because he will now be working 10-12 hour days Monday through Saturday. I am really praying the Lord will bring everything together because all 3 girls have different school schedules and my mom as amazing and abundantly helpful as she is, she also works full time herself. I am grateful the director of Caitlins school is so beyond amazing and has already offered to let her come everyday if needed at no extra charge to us. (God is GOOD) Mikayla however gets our of Kindergarten at 11:15 everyday which is less easy. We have also been abundantly blessed by some of our church family that have set up a care calender for our family and we are mostly in need of meals because I do all the cooking for my family. I know God will use this difficult opportunity to show us how He works all things together for good!

I have to be honest, I had a melt down last night and in doing so God revealed the true nature of my heart. When we faced the possibility of labor and delivering a 32 week baby I broke down. I had been so confident, so sure God would give us the miracle of a term baby that we could take home for the first time ever. As I felt that dream being torn apart I became angry at God who although owes me nothing had somehow not met my expectations. But I was blessed with quiet and solitude this morning and it was in that time He gently reminded me to believe and convicted my heart. I have been trying to be in control of this entire pregnancy and its outcome. I thought "If I get the progesterone shots for 20 weeks and make my kids behave and take it easy and be stress free and just DECIDE I WILL make it 36 weeks then I will have it!" But as life works my kids have been acting out which stresses me out to no end and here I am with no more control then when this baby was formed by His hands in my womb 8 months ago. Its a hard sobering reality and yet a relief and freeing reality. So I did what I had fought so hard against the past few weeks and I SURRENDERED.

"All the thee my blessed Savior...I surrender all."

That was the hymn in my heart this morning. Jesus led me to Mark 9:23-24

23 And Jesus said to him, p“‘If you can’! qAll things are possible for one who believes.” 24 Immediately the father of the child cried out1 and said, “I believe; rhelp my unbelief!”

That was my prayer....my desperate cry to my Lord...."I DO believe Jesus, help my unbelief!" All week verses ran through my head and they just seemed so lifeless...so cliche....but this verse....this was my hearts deepest cry.

Will you join me in prayer this week?

• Pray for Mitchells transition into the new (old) company where he will be working 50% more than before and will face both his and my duties at home once he is off. Pray for strength and an abundance of grace and patience for him. Pray he will be surrounded by godly encouragement when he needs it most and that the work of his hands will be blessed.
• Pray for our girls and the adjustment they face with 1+ weeks without mom. Especially please pray for Caitlin who does not react well to change and is very close with me. Pray she will not act out and that Jesus will comfort her and be her peace over the naturak rebellion she normally falls to.
• Pray for my mom who will be helping Mitchell and is not used to more than one child especially not when she first gets off work. Pray for a smooth work week and a ton of endurance as she loves on the girls while I am away.
• Pray for all the elements of our family dinamic to fall smoothly into place while I am gone and God will provide everything my family needs as He so faithfully does time and again.
• Pray that God will quiet my uterus for 3 1/2 more weeks or until Baby Mitchell is ready to be born healthy enough to join his family at home without a NICU stay. That God rapidly forms his tiny lungs and miraculously gives him the ability to thrive at whatever gestation he arrives at.
• And lastly if you can please pray for me...while I will be getting lots of quiet resting and time alone it is incredibly hard after a short while to be away from my husband and kids this long. All I am is in my family and my God given purpose is to love and care for them. It is not easy being unable to fulfill my purpose and it does in fact get very lonely up here. Would you please pray that I would be able to use this time to reconnect on a deeper level with my Savior? That the quiet and the stillness would be to hear His voice and be renewed day by day so I will be ready to take on the blessed responsibility of 4 amazing children when I return home. I have been spiritually dry and emotionally exhausted the past few weeks so I am hoping to use this time as a retreat of sorts with Jesus.

Thank you everyone who will be joining us in these prayers, let us not forget how powerful these prayers are! All glory and honor to God and the Lord Jesus Christ the author and perfector of our faith!