Going home....

The jury is out...

Its time to go home.

At the ripe ole gestation of 33 weeks the Dr's have decided to send me home content that I have made it to 33 weeks and my cervix remains unchanged at 1 cm dilated.

I however am not so confident....

To be honest I am nervous terrified and yet completely trust in the Lord all at the same time.

The thought of my baby boy being in the NICU scares me because of how difficult it is. The thought of being home with my children makes me nervous for 2 reasons. #1- I cant be the mom I know they are going to want me to be while I am home, and #2 Its very hard to remain calm and restful in a house full of young active girlies that like to play noisy! And there is always my sweet darling Caitlin who runs me ragged when Im not pregnant!

However, because of all the calm and quiet I have had with the Lord this week He has been able to teach me quite a bit and reveal to me the areas of my heart that need His hands.

Yesterday I posted a quote on FB from a Matt Chandler sermon I listened to in the morning.

‎"Fear in the life of a believer should be hunted down and killed without mercy."

It struck me that I was living this whole week in fear....fear that my son would come far earlier that his sisters, fear that going home would cause labor, fear of being around my kids and not being able to meet their needs, fear of the chaos at home with Mitchell gone so much.

Fear....fear....fear....fear.....FEAR!

Then my dear friend Jodi Hughes came to visit me yesterday and poured out an abundance of godly wisdom as she does so well. Jodi has a gift of being able to ask just the right questions to really make you look deeper inside yourself to the root of any issue. She doesnt "TELL" you how to fix it but instead askd the questions that turn your attention to Jesus and how to see what HE wants me to do. Yesterday she asked me what the ROOT of my fear was.

Ummm.....well......I......I then stated my fears and she stopped me forcing me to see the real heart of the issue...

I was taking my past experiences and projecting them into the future. In my mind because I have been through the pain and difficulty of raising a newborn in the NICU it of course would happen again and be just as hard.

BUT...

Thats not trusting God. Instead of trusting God and His plan and that his plan COULD be for me to stay pregnant longer that ever before, I was assuming He didnt want to and probably wouldn't. I was begging and pleading with God for a miracle I really didnt think He would give me. My prayer all week has been "I believe Lord, but help my unbelief!" If I am perfectly honest I have every ounce of faith the God CAN get me safely to 36 weeks, I KNOW He can. The problem is I dont really believe that He will. Its the not knowing that makes this all so difficult....He really hasn't told me one way or the other so I cannot confidently say "He WILL"

The other tid bit I have been struggling with is the lie that I have to be "Okay" with it if my son IS born early and we have to suffer hardship. But as hard as I tried and prayed I simply cannot say "Lord, if thats your plan I am okay with it."

In society, especially Christian society we have this tendency to add silver lining to everything to make it seem easier or better than it is. For instance when I was admitted at 32 weeks with the possibility of labor the Dr was FULL of silver lining and "it could be worse" instances. These can me helpful sometimes to help us have gratitude towards the Lord and His working BUT it can also be a bad thing. We need to mourn and grieve when things are hard and painful. We need to go before the throne and say "LORD, this hurts and I dont like it!" Then give Him our burdens and let Him bear them for us. Putting on a happy face and "bucking up" is just pride adn attempting to get ourselves through hardships.

Through the Holy Spirit Jodi spoke comforting words from Jesus to me that freed me from my struggle, she simply said...

"You dont have to be "okay" with it when things are hard and painful. Jesus wasn't okay with going to the cross. Jesus ENDURED the cross for the joy that would come from it."

No matter how hard I tried i could not force myself to say "Lord if you call me to this difficulty I will be okay with it because its Your plan." And I was so relieved to hear that I didnt have to.

But I did have to faithfully ENDURE whatever He sets before me in the pregnancy, and rejoice in the Lord that He is a faithful creator who will redeem any and all hard and painful situations I will go through.

So if my son is born too early, it WILL be hard and it will be difficult and I wont be happy about it BUT I will continue to rejoice in the Lord and ENDURE the hardship, trusting Him every moment to carry me through it. I will praise Him and give Him all glory. And when the hardship is over I will forever remember His faithfulness and take comfort in knowing there will never be a difficult time without Jesus by my side to carry me through.

And that my friends is the peace of knowing, loving, and serving Jesus.