"My peace I give to you..."

Today changed my life...and not just my life. I woke up this morning at 6am like every morning. Made my coffee then snuggled back into bed with my Bible ready to hear what God had to say. A couple days ago He led me to read the book of John and has faithfully spoken to me every morning, washing me with His precious Words. Today I read John ch 11-16 and journaled about Judas Iscariot and how I never noticed Jesus implied Judas wasn't "chosen." Then I poured out my heart before the Lord about all that was troubling me, mainly submitting my fears to Him and recognizing that Kealani belongs to Him and not me (which He has been reminding me of the past few days.)

At 7am I woke up all my children feeling ready for the day. I told Jesus His will be done and I was confident His will would be done and it would be beneficial to me in some way or another. Got everyone ready for school, dropped Kealani off at school, took Caitlin to my dear friend Kristy's house, and arrive just in time for Mikayla's appt. with her Naturopath to discuss the results from her CT Scan she had on Tuesday.

Sitting in the Dr's office she began asking questions about how Mikayla's headaches were and more detail about them, then asking more Q's about other things and I began to get antsy so I just blurted out "What did the CT say?" She shifted in on her stool (never a good sign) and said rather quickly "Well they did find a mass in her frontal left lobe which they think is a cyst and you need to go have an MRI done right away." She said it so "tra la la la" that I had to have her repeat it!

BOOM! Just like that, my life changed, but not only my life. My dear sweet Lou who just turned 5 years old exactly 1 week ago has a mass in her brain that isn't supposed to be there. I looked into those beautiful little eyes and fought back tears with all my might. But you know, I KNEW there was something wrong. The moment I stepped into the imaging center Tuesday morning I KNEW something wasn't right and my stomach was in knots all day. God had already started preparing me for bad news. Not that it made it any easier mind you.

The doc left the room to schedule the MRI and I began texting immediate family with the news. The Dr came back and told us our appt was at noon and I thanked her and rushed out as quickly as possible as if it could erase the news she just gave me. Mikayla meanwhile, has no idea really what is going on and was too busy blowing tissues around the room to have listened to the news. I was in awe of her really....I mean she has so much faith that her life will be fine. She goes about her day trusting that she will be provided for and that if something goes wrong her parents or God will make it right again. "Why can't I be like that?" I thought to myself and desperately wished I had been too busy blowing tissues around the room to know what was wrong.

I buckled us both in and started the car and did what any mom would do, I worried. I worried I might not get to watch my daughter grow old or that she might have cancer, or that this was the beginning of a VERY difficult process for BOTH of us.

Then I heard His voice, "She is not yours."

Ohhhh man, "I know" I wispered pathetically.

and again...."She is not yours, she belongs to Me."

"yeah.....I know...I just....."

"NO, you have NO control over her life."

then came tears.......and conviction. He was right, I have absolutely no control. Yet, I was trying to be in control none the less. Just like I was trying to be in control of Kealani's life and He revealed in a major way to me. Just like I have no control of Caitlin and her behavior.

"They are not yours, they are Mine, I created them, and I am control of their lives."

I spent the next hour before the MRI pondering His revelation and repenting of my sin of trying to always be in control. Never before have I had God work on so many areas of my life in such a short amount of time and I think really its because I am finally surrendering all these areas of my life so that He can freely work. It hurts......it hurts really bad.

We arrived for her appt and I talked her all up excited to get "pictures of her brain" and how cool it was but warning her about how LOUD it was too because poor Lou is super sensitive to loud noise. The nurse and radiologist got her all settled and cozied up a chair next to the machine for me and I held her ankle as she went in and I didn't let go the entire 40 minutes. At first I began to worry then I surrendered in prayer. His voice soothed my soul and I heard it even louder than the MRI machine next to my head. He said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." Then it occurred to me that I read this only this morning and pondered it only for a moment before continuing on through the book of John. The Spirit had stored it away for me this morning for just this moment. I was beyond humbled, I did not deserve anything from Him and yet He came and spoke over me with gentleness in a moment of greatest need. His peace did come over me and I prayed through the entire process. When we left the nurse simply said "The radiologist has all she needs so we dont need to inject the contrast (THANK YOU JESUS! That was a moment I was dreading!) and she will get to work on the report right away so you should hear from your Dr by the end of the day.

I tell you friends the day only got worse and worse and by 5:30 I had no news of any kinds and was beside myself. Even though I kept hearing His words all day long, His beautiful promise, I still acted like an impatient cranky child. I called the imaging clinic the naturopath (who was gone) and finally her primary care physician ( who was also gone). I did however speak with an after hours receptionist and tearfully explained my situation and desperation for some kind of results. He was very kind and contacted the on call Dr to look up her MRI results and get back to me. ANd he did.....he told me there was no fax from the imaging center and therefore no results to report. "You will have to wait until tomorrow." His words felt like lead in my heart.

20 minutes later the phone rang again and it was that very same Dr. He had gone out of his way to get a hold of someone at the imaging center and got the quick gist results over the phone and requested they re-fax the full report. He told us Mikayla has a good sized Cyst in her frontal left lobe and it was putting pressure on her brain. He then gently gave me the contact information for the leading pediatric neurosurgeon up at OHSU and said he would put the referral in immediately.

So there it was.....the information I needed so badly and it didn't give me back my control. But I know that it was truly God's grace that I got it at all. :)

So now we proceed with His plan and in His way because I really do have no control. And boy am I glad I dont, because honestly I would screw it all up anyways with my emotion led impulsiveness. So tomorrow we cal OHSU and for tonight I treasure the words my Saviour gave to me "My peace I give to you.....let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Thank you Jesus.